How do you describe something that is characterised by its absence?
Even hunger is not a void. Hunger is hunger .... A state, a feeling, a subject, a purpose in life.
But this emptiness is uncaring, thoughtless, wordless. Deaf, dumb and blind.
How do you describe something that is not there? "What's wrong?" "Nothing."Rarely was this answer honestly.
How to make tangible, as this "nothing" can thus weigh heavily on a person?
My sister's birthday. I'll call her. I forgot what I wanted. Fortunately I get the curve and I find it yet again. Congratulations are with us always a mixture of "should be" and "how embarrassing." Thus, it does not fall to continue.
My thoughts often break out in spurts out of me. If I write them down, for example, for the blog, I have to portioning and temporally distributing something - so that individuals are not identifiable, so that I can even win a little more distance to events, thoughts and feelings and because I commentaries mercilessly to 10 different topics would be overwhelmed. It's bad enough that my own thoughts start pouring on me, before the thought of my dear commentators I need (so dear and precious to me every word also is) a bit 'protect' in this respect. Just because my comments are so important, and already in this way far too many of my inadequate or even sometimes not be answered - simply because I'm still overwhelmed. What is a problem is that there all alone on my side.
But thus it is thought to act strangely, now read of this emptiness. Because it does not look here on the blog just to emptiness, right? (Leaving empty and thoughts circles no contradiction for me ... but I can not really explain well and hope that comes halfway over, what I mean?)
I sit in front of a text and see its meaning in the consideration of the case. I find that this is a strange one letter, while the t looks somehow reassuring. i and l do not like, which has y a beautiful shape, but steps out of line, while the Y while a similar but has an incorrect form. x, y and z are just plain ugly, the points have no relation to the rest of the letters and let him act so arbitrary and imperfect.
It strikes me as illogical that I am thirsty and therefore will have a drink. Not only that the body has nothing to need. The link (IF thirsty then drink) seems to me ... illogical.
It seems to me logical to crawl half an hour after getting back to bed, when I know that I had a lot to do and I will regret in the evening at the desperate chase against time the hours of sleep.
I wake up drenched in sweat, even though my body is cold. In my dreams I can not remember.
In the mirror I look at two eyes. Huge eyes in a pale face. A wax figure that rose up from the mirror hell, to whisper me with closed lips slightly.
An echo in my head. No words, no thoughts, no sound, no hallucination. Only the feeling of an echo. Only emptiness.
